A
GHOSTLY MORTALITY EXCERPT
Chapter 1
“Lawdy bee.” Granny scooted to the edge of
the chair and lifted her arms in the air like she was worshiping in the Sunday
morning service at Sleepy Hollow Baptist and the spirit just got put in her.
I sucked in a deep breath, preparing myself for
whatever was going to come out of Zula Fae Raines Payne’s mouth, my granny. She
was a ball of southern spitfire in her five-foot-four-inch frame topped off
with bright red hair that I wasn’t sure was real or out of a L’Oréal bottle
she’d gotten down at the Buy and Fly.
“Please, please, please,” she begged. “Let
me die before anything happens to Emma Lee.” Her body slid down the fancy,
high-back mahogany leather chair as she fell to her knees with her hands
clasped together, bringing them back up in the air as she pleaded to the Big
Guy in the sky. “I’m begging you.”
“Are you nuts?” My voice faded to a hushed
stillness. I glanced back at the closed door of my sister’s new office, in fear
she was going to walk in and see Granny acting up.
I sat in the other fancy, high-back mahogany
leather chair next to Granny’s and grabbed her by the loose skin of her
underarm. “Get back up on this chair before Charlotte Rae gets back in here and
sees you acting like a fool.”
“What?” Granny quirked her eyebrows
questioningly as if her behavior was normal.
My head dropped along with my jaw in the
“are you kidding me” look.
“Well, I ain’t lying!” She spat, “I do hope
and pray you are the granddaughter that will be doing my funeral, unless you
get a flare up of the ‘Funeral Trauma.’” She sucked in a deep breath and got up
off her knees. She ran her bony fingers down the front of her cream sweater to
smooth out any wrinkles so she’d be presentable like a good southern woman,
forgetting she was just on her knees begging for mercy.
“Flare up?” I sighed with exasperation.
“It’s not like arthritis.”
The “Funeral Trauma.”
It was true. I was diagnosed with the
“Funeral Trauma” after a decorative plastic Santa fell off the roof of Artie’s
Meat and Deli, knocking me flat out cold and now I could see dead people.
I had told Doc Clyde I was having some sort
of hallucinations and seeing dead people, but he insisted I had been in the
funeral business a little too long and seeing corpses all of my life had
brought on the trauma.
Truthfully, the Santa had given me a gift.
Not a gift you’d expect Santa to give you, but it was the gift of seeing
clients of Eternal Slumber, my family’s funeral home business where I was the
undertaker. Some family business.
Anyway, a psychic told me I was now a Betweener.
I helped people who were stuck between here and the ever after. The Great
Beyond. The Big Guy in the sky. One catch . . . the dead people
I saw were murdered and they needed me to help them solve their murder before
they could cross over.
“I’m fine,” I huffed and took the pamphlet
off of Charlotte Rae’s desk, keeping my gift to myself. The only people who
knew were me, the psychic and Sheriff Jack Henry Ross, my hot, hunky and sexy
boyfriend. He was as handy as a pocket on a shirt when it came time for me to
find a killer when a ghost was following me around. “We are here to get her to
sign my papers and talk about this sideboard issue once and for all.”
Granny stared at me. My head slid forward
like a turtle and I popped my eyes open.
“I’m fine,” I said through closed teeth.
“You are not fine.” Granny rolled her eyes
so big, I swear she probably hurt herself.
“People are still going around
talking about how you talk to yourself.” She shook her finger at me. “If you
don’t watch it, you are going to be committed. Surrounded by padded walls.
Then—” She jabbed her finger on my arm. I swatted her away with the pamphlet.
“Charlotte Rae will have full control over my dead body and I don’t want
someone celebrating a wedding while I lay corpse in the next room. Lawdy bee,”
Granny griped.
I opened the pamphlet and tried to ignore
Granny as best I could.
“Do you hear me, Emma Lee?” Granny asked. I
could feel her beady eyes boring into me. “Don’t you be disrespecting your
elders. I asked you a question,” she warned when I didn’t immediately answer
her question.
“Granny.” I placed the brochure in my lap
and reminded myself to remain calm.
Something I did often when it came to my
granny. “I hear you. Don’t you worry about a thing. By the time you get ready
to die, they will have you in the nuthouse alongside me,” I joked, knowing it
would get her goat.
The door flung open and the click of
Charlotte Rae’s high-dollar heels tapped the hardwood floor as she sashayed her
way back into her office. The soft linen green suit complemented Charlotte’s
sparkly green eyes and the chocolate scarf that was neatly tied around her
neck. It was the perfect shade of brown to go with her long red hair and pale
skin.
“I’m so sorry about that.” She stopped next
to our chairs and looked between me and Granny. She shook the long, loose curls
over her shoulders. “What? What is wrong, now?”
“Granny is all worried I’m going to get sent
away to the nuthouse and you are going to lay her out here.” The words tumbled
out of my mouth before I could stop them. Or did my subconscious take over my
mouth? It was always a competition between me and Charlotte, only it was
one-sided. Mine.
Charlotte never viewed me as competition
because she railroaded me all my life. Like now. She’d left Eternal Slumber with
zero guilt, leaving me in charge so she could make more money at Hardgrove’s
Legacy Center, formerly known as Hardgrove’s Funeral Homes until they got too
big for their britches and decided to host every life event possible just to
make more money.
“I . . .” Granny’s mouth
opened and then snapped shut. Her face was as red as the hair on her head. “I
meant that I didn’t want to be placed at Burns Funeral. I don’t know what they
do down in their morgue.”
“Granny.” Charlotte Rae eased her toned
heinieon the edge of her desk and rested upon it. She planted a smug look on
her face. “Here at Hardgrove’s, we offer a full line of services. It’s the way
of the future.”
Was she giving us her sales pitch? My jaw
clenched. My eyes narrowed. I glared at her perfectly lined hot pink lips. For
Charlotte’s coloring, she did look great in pink. Heck, she’d look great in a
burlap sack. I tucked a strand of my long, dull brown hair behind my ear and
folded my hands in my lap with my short bitten-off nails tucked in my palms.
She spent a lot of money at the nail salon, getting the perfect manicure, and
they did look good.
But today she looked a little tired. Not
normal for Charlotte.
“Well, that certainly wasn’t the answer I
expected to hear.” I shook my head. Since Charlotte had left Eternal Slumber
Funeral Home, I had forgotten how much of a bossy person she was, until now.
“I’m sorry, Emma Lee.” Charlotte crossed her
arms over top of her chest. Her brows lifted. Her green eyes lit up a little.
“Did I hurt your feelings?”
“No.” My voice hardened ruthlessly. “But you
could at least say that I’m not crazy and for Granny to stop being ridiculous.”
I grabbed my purse off the floor and pulled
out the envelope full of legal papers I needed Charlotte to sign to get her out
of the family business she had decided to abandon. Not that Hardgrove’s Legacy
Center was much competition since it was in Lexington, Kentucky.
But it was just like Charlotte to up and
leave when times got lean. So lean that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to
pay the three employees, other than myself. When clients who had already made
pre-need funeral arrangements with Eternal Slumber started pulling out because
they didn’t want the “Funeral Trauma” girl to handle them in death, Charlotte
Rae had jumped ship. She’d taken a job with Hardgrove’s at their Lexington
location. They had several of these big centers all over Kentucky.
Since they were in Lexington, a good forty
minutes away from Sleepy Hollow, they really weren’t our competition. But
family was family. And in a small town, family stuck together. Not Charlotte.
She bailed, leaving me with all the chips to pick up. And that was exactly what
I had done. Over the past few months, business had doubled and I needed her to
sign off on selling her half of the business to me. Plus, I was here about the
family sideboard that had been sitting in the foyer of Eternal Slumber for
generations. In a moment of weakness years ago, Granny had apparently promised
the sideboard to my dear sister. Like most of us, I’m sure Granny meant
Charlotte Rae could have it after she died. Well, Charlotte was calling for it
now. As if she were asking for her inheritance while Granny was alive. Over my
dead body.
The sideboard was a beautiful, antique
staple in Eternal Slumber and I wasn’t about to give it up without a fight or
until Granny was six feet under.
I didn’t have time to sit here and beg
Charlotte to do what was right. I had a Betweener client’s funeral to prepare
and there was no time to dillydally, especially with Charlotte.
“I don’t think Granny is being ridiculous. I
mean—” Charlotte picked up one of the same brochures I still had in my lap and
gave it a good, swift yank. It unfolded like an accordion. “Here at Hardgrove’s
we are a full-service center.” Her pink fingernail pointed to the first photo.
“We offer a full line of funeral services with a state-of-the-art facility. Not
like the ones in Sleepy Hollow.” She referred to our small town of Sleepy
Hollow, Kentucky. And there was the dig about where we grew up.
“You mean Eternal Slumber without saying
it?” I wasn’t going to let her get away with saying we weren’t meeting the
needs of our residents.
“No, no.” She shook her head and wagged her
finger at me like I was some child.
“There is also Burns Funeral.” She
mentioned the only other funeral home in Sleepy Hollow, which was my direct
competitor. “They are definitely not top-of-the-line, especially since O’Dell
was elected Sleepy Hollow mayor.”
“Do tell.” Granny lit up like a morning
glory; she was tickled pink to hear any and all gossip concerning O’Dell Burns
since he beat her in the Sleepy Hollow mayoral election by only two votes.
O’Dell’s sister, Bea Allen, had moved back
to town to take over the funeral home while O’Dell spent all his time in his
plush office at the courthouse.
“This is on the down-low.” Charlotte gave
the good ole Baptist nod that meant we were supposed to keep our mouths shut
because she was about to give us some deep-fried small town gossip, but she
obviously forgot she was talking to Granny. “I have had several of Burns’s
customers come here and change their pre-need funeral arrangements.”
Several of Burns’s? Her words twirled around
in my head like a tornado. The more important question was why on earth would
Burns’s customers drive all the way to Lexington for a funeral when everyone
was in Sleepy Hollow and Eternal Slumber was an option.
“They have?” Granny put her hand to her
chest and sucked in. “Who?”
“I’m not going to say, but let me tell you
that I heard they put the wrong clothes on the wrong corpse.” Charlotte Rae’s
grin was as big as the Grand Canyon. Granny clapped in delight like a little
kid getting a piece of candy, turning my stomach in all sorts of directions at
the sight. “Since I know you won’t tell” —Charlotte Rae leaned in and whispered—
“Old man Ridley died and he was in some sort of the armed services. His family
insisted he be buried in his hat. Also, Peggy Wayne was laid out in the room
next to old man Ridley and her family wanted to make sure her family pearls
were buried with her. When Ridley’s widow got there, he had on Peggy Wayne’s
pearls and Peggy had on Ridley’s hat. Ridley’s widow jerked the hat off Peggy’s
ice-cold body, taking her wig off with it.”
Granny gasped in horror, only there was a
twinkle in her eye of joy that shone greater than a flashlight, encouraging
Charlotte Rae to continue her horrid tale.
“Needless to say, it spread all over the
gossip circles and here I am today” —she patted the files behind her on the
desk— “working up new contracts.”
“Why didn’t you send them to Emma Lee?”
Granny asked. I was a bit relieved to see she was getting her wits about her.
“I’m not going to turn down business.”
Charlotte cackled. “I have to make a quota here in order to get my big bonus.”
“The Grim Reaper must be busy because Emma
Lee’s got ’em lined up four dead bodies deep waiting to be buried.” Granny was
talking way too much. “There’s gonna be a lot of good eating coming up, that’s
for sure.”
Although Granny was flapping her jaws way
too much, my mouth did water at the thought of the upcoming repass. That was
one great thing I loved about our small southern town. Funerals were just as
big social gatherings as a wedding. And all the locals put their differences
aside to come together, bringing food and giving respect to the deceased. The
repass was the meal after the funeral service. And Granny always brought
homemade apple or cherry pie. Mmm, mmm, I could taste her buttery crust as if I
was eating a piece.
“Is that right, Emma Lee? Business is good?”
Charlotte asked, bringing me out of my food dream. There was a trace of
surprise on her face.
“Now, Granny.” It was time. I put the
envelope in front of Charlotte. “Granny is exaggerating.” I lied. There were
five bodies, not four, and I wasn’t going to tell Charlotte Rae that business
had picked up until she signed over her half of Eternal Slumber to me. “Here is
the paperwork drawn up.”
Charlotte Rae took it and carefully lifted
the envelope flap. Gingerly she took the papers out and unfolded them, taking a
glance at them.
“I’ll look them over later.” She folded them
back up and stuck them back in the envelope.
“Later? How much later?” I demanded to know.
“There is nothing in there but you giving up your half of the funeral home. You
said you were done and it needs to be final.”
“Calm down, Emma Lee.” Charlotte patted her
palms down to the ground. “I’m going to sign them, but I want to show Granny
around before it gets busy in here.”
In my head, I jumped up and grabbed
Charlotte by her long hair, flung her to the ground—breaking one of her nails
of course—and forced her to sign the papers. In reality, I swallowed, grabbed
the envelope off her desk and followed her and Granny out of the office.
“Here is where we host some receptions.”
Charlotte took us into a room filled with round tables and chairs. There was a
serving buffet at the front of the room. The room was painted a pale yellow
with dark brown crown molding and chair rail. The carpet was maroon with subtle
yellow flecks that matched the walls. Pictures on the wall were paintings of
retired Keeneland horses that probably cost more than I’ll earn in my entire
lifetime.
“For the funerals or the weddings?” Granny
was getting caught up in the pageantry of the big funeral home center.
“We do not have repasses here at
Hardgrove’s.” Charlotte gestured around the room with her hands like she was
one of those models on The Price Is Right. “We have a catered chef who prepares
fruit trays, cheese plates and small dessert options, along with tea or
coffee.”
“Why do you need a chef for that?” I
questioned, trying to find anything to make Charlotte look bad. “I mean, that’s
what makes our small town so wonderful.” I reminded Charlotte of what she’d
left behind. “I think it’s comforting how the Auxiliary women put their loving
hands in making a special dish for the dearly departed’s family and we all come
together to share in the family feel of it all.”
Charlotte couldn’t deny that there was
something special about a small town like Sleepy Hollow when it came to a
death. Everyone put their differences aside, rallied around each other,
supported each other. Not like this big building that seemed so cold and
institutional.
Charlotte ignored me and continued telling
Granny about how they also used it for wedding receptions along with any other
celebration they could think of.
“We have a lot of baby showers too.”
Charlotte squeezed her shoulders up to her ears in delight. “I just love
those.”
“Baby showers?” Granny drew back. All five
foot four inches of her small frame froze.
“Charlotte Rae, didn’t we raise you
better than that?”
“Granny,” Charlotte cackled. “You raised us
in a funeral home.”
It was true. Charlotte and I were raised in
the family living area of the funeral home right alongside Granny. Granny,
Momma and Daddy ran the funeral home while Charlotte and I tried to lead a
normal life; only, sleeping in a bed in the next room over from a dead body was
far from normal. But we managed. Charlotte and I went to mortuary school, my
parents retired and Granny retired after she inherited the Sleepy Hollow Inn
from her deceased second husband, leaving the funeral home to us.
“Oh, Granny, you raised me fine. Times have
changed and so does business.”
Charlotte pish-poshed Granny’s comment. She
continued to show us around the large building, going on and on about how they
had had retirement parties, birthdays and christenings.
“Christenings?” Granny snickered. “You mean
to tell me I could go over here to see my dead relative and walk over yonder to
see my great-grandbaby get christened all in one day?”
Charlotte ignored Granny and continued on
with the grand tour.
“I really would like you to sign these
papers.” I held the envelope out in front of Charlotte when we walked down the
hall to get a look at one of the viewing rooms.
Charlotte skipped around me, not giving any
acknowledgment to the papers I practically shoved in her face.
“Shh.” Granny batted my hand away and
followed right behind Charlotte.
I sucked in a deep breath and tucked a piece
of my hair behind my ear, ran my hand down my white T-shirt before I gave in,
once again, and followed them to the next room.
The next room looked more like a banquet
hall than a viewing room. Large round tables dotting the entire room had crisp
baby-blue tablecloths over them and had at least ten chairs around each of
them. White taffeta material was stretched and tied around the backs of each
chair with a big, stiff bow on the back.
“There you are!” A woman jumped out from
behind a large stereo speaker from across the room. And then, lickety-split,
she was snapping her fingers and pointing at Charlotte Rae. “My Candy doesn’t
deserve a fine wedding reception where the flowers smell like those of a
funeral!” She put her hands on her hips and turned to me. Her dirty blond hair
was clipped short and her black roots were creeping out from her skull. “Can
you smell that?” she asked me in a demanding tone. “Death. That is what I
smell. And I told my Candy I wasn’t going to have a dead body next to my
princess as she cut that cake I paid an arm and a leg for. Do you hear me?” She
rambled on, not giving Charlotte a chance to even speak.
“I understand.” Charlotte Rae tried to calm
the woman down.
“No, you don’t, or this would not be
happening.” The woman gave Charlotte a stern look. “This is an outrage and you
had better fix it or another one of them rooms will be filled out there!”
“I will take care of it, Melinda.” A crimson
color crept up the back of Charlotte’s neck.
In true Charlotte Rae southern
charm, she gave Melinda a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, and said, “I
promise, your Candy will have the wedding of her dreams. Which we still have a
few weeks for. This is just an example of what the room can look like. The
chairs. The linens.”
“Her dreams?” Melinda let out a big fit of
laughter with a cough. “Hell, she ruined her dreams when she laid down with the
Dennis boy. But it ain’t no skin off my nose, because I told her I wasn’t goin’
to raise no more youngin’s. Not even my grandbabies.”
Granny’s eyes darted between Charlotte and
Melinda. A delightful grin spread over her face. Charlotte had her hands full
and Melinda was giving her a run for her money.
“Momma! You stop talking about us.” The
shrill voice echoed through the room. A woman who must’ve been Princess Candy
stood in the doorway with a scrawny-looking boy. Candy’s black hair was permed
to death. She grabbed the boy’s hand and bustled over to us, practically
dragging him like a rag doll. “She ain’t never been happy for me. She’s the one
who insisted on all this!”
“I also insisted you get that hair dyed back
to blond, but you didn’t listen to that either.” Melinda jerked her head side
to side.
“You know my baby doctor said that ain’t no
good for the baby. All them fumes and all.” Candy dropped the boy’s hand and
stuck her nose up in the air. She took a few quick sniffs. The boy must have
been the Dennis boy. Poor guy. I felt sorry for him. He didn’t look older than
eighteen years old. He was shorter than the princess and he was in desperate
need of a haircut, his curls unfurled all over the top of his head.
“You smell that?” Princess Candy smacked the
Dennis boy with the backside of her hand before she planted her hands on her
hips, causing her baggy shirt to become taut, exposing the outline of what
looked to be a pregnant belly. “Death!”
A groan escaped from Charlotte’s lips.
“I told you that this place smelled like
dead people. Are you trying to piss me off?”
Candy came nose to nose with
Melinda.
Melinda’s arms flew up in the air. “See, I
told you!” She pointed to Charlotte and then faced the Dennis boy. “Boy, she’s
gonna rip your heart right out of you, fry it up and eat it on a biscuit and
swallow it down with a big swig of iced tea if you don’t run.”
“Fix this!” Candy grabbed the boy’s hand and
flung him toward the door, dragging him all the way out. “Or someone will take
the fall for this!”
“Fix what?” Gina Marie Hardgrove, owner of
Hardgrove’s Funeral Homes, walked into the event room carrying a tray of
glasses filled with sweet tea and finger sandwiches, dodging the lovebirds. “Oh
my!” Gina placed the tray on the table before she gave Granny a hug. “Zula,
it’s been so long.” She held Granny out at arm’s length, getting a good look at
her. I couldn’t stop looking at that big, baseball-sized diamond on her finger.
“You haven’t changed a bit. And this one.” Gina let go of Granny and patted
Charlotte on the back. “She is such an asset to Hardgrove’s. I really am sorry
we stole her from you.” She gave me a wink.
In the south, a wink speaks volumes and Gina
Marie’s wink was more of a dig than a compliment. Memories of Gina Marie
flooded over me.
As kids, we’d see the Hardgrove family at
different funeral conventions and all us kids would hang out together. Then
there had been mortuary school. Gina Marie was there with me and Charlotte.
That damn ring of hers was why I got a C minus in the class. I spent most of my
days dreaming of having one. The Hardgroves had several funeral homes across
the state of Kentucky to our one.
“Now I can go and visit our other centers,
knowing I’m leaving here with our Lexington center in good hands.” Gina Marie
nodded over to Charlotte who had gingerly taken Melinda aside and talked to her
in the corner of the room.
“I guess we better go.” Granny tugged on my
arm.
“When you get a moment, can you please have
Charlotte sign the papers?” I handed them to Gina Marie.
“She still hasn’t signed these?” Her face
turned white and a scowl swept over her nose. “She did sign a non-compete with
us, so I’m going to have to take this up with her.”
Charlotte left Melinda in the corner and
joined us, jerking the envelope from Gina Marie’s hand. “It has nothing to do
with a non-compete,” she assured Gina Marie before turning toward me and Granny
and gesturing for us to get the heck out of there.
A small stab hit my heart as Charlotte Rae
quickly recovered from the embarrassing scene with a warm smile. Something I
was never able to compete with.
“It was so good of you to come by. Emma Lee,
I’ll get these back to you soon.” She waved the envelope in the air with one
hand and shooed us out the sliding front door with the other. “I must get back
to work. Unlike Eternal Slumber, we are always busy with a life event. Yoo-hoo,
Arley!” Charlotte raced over to one of the gardens in the front of the funeral
home. “You need to put the ducklings in the fountain!”
There was no reason to fuss with her because
she wasn’t going to listen and Granny had already started off toward the car. I
recognized Arley Burgin, Hardgrove’s grave digger and evidently lawn boy,
standing in the fountain with bright yellow gloves clear up to his elbow and a
scrub brush in one of his hands. I didn’t know Arley all that well, but he was
on the men’s softball team that was sponsored by Eternal Slumber. He had
mentioned he wasn’t a fan of Gina Marie which tickled me pink, and by the look
on his face, he wasn’t a big fan of Charlotte’s either.
“Y’all a new client here at Hardgrove’s?”
The security guard gave me and Granny the once-over after he moseyed up to us.
“No.” I pointed to our car, a hearse, which
should’ve been a pretty good indicator to him that we were in the same
business. “I’m Charlotte’s sister and this here is our granny. We are from
Sleepy Hollow.”
“Burns?” he questioned.
“Why, I never,” Granny gasped and glared.
“Do we look like we come from them good-for-nothin’ . . .”
“Eternal Slumber,” I chirped up and cut
Granny off. “Have a nice day. Get into the car, Granny.” My brows lifted.
“I knew I should’ve drove the ’ped.” Granny
referred to the moped she drove around town. She huffed, got in the car and
slammed the door.
I looked at the security guard and rolled my
eyes so hard that I thought I hurt myself.
“Oh my stars.” Granny buckled up. “That was
a sight for sore eyes.”
I started the engine and pretended to adjust
the rearview mirror when I was really looking back at Charlotte. It was good
southern manners to stand outside and wave bye as someone pulled off in their
car, but bad luck to watch them completely drive off. When we were almost out
of sight, Charlotte stomped her feet and hurried back into Hardgrove’s.
“I’m a little disappointed in how she
reacted to that nasty woman.” Granny sat poised with her hands in her lap. “She
should’ve told her that there were a few funerals being held and the flowers
would be removed way before the wedding.” Granny lifted her hand and nervously
tapped her finger on the door handle. “Who on earth ever heard of opening a
place like that?”
“Really?” I gripped the wheel, turning on
the road that took us right back home to Sleepy Hollow where we belonged. “The
fact that she hasn’t signed the paperwork should be what you can’t believe. I
mean, she’s working illegally for Gina Marie.”
“Pish-posh.” Granny brushed me off. “She’s
not happy there. I can see it in her eyes. It’s just a matter of time before
she comes back to Eternal Slumber. Mark my words, that is why she hasn’t signed
those papers.”
And that was my fear.
, Book 6
